Associated Press
By Alotta Ganja

Quacks on Crack! Season Goes Up in Smoke

Eugene, OR – As many as eleven University of Oregon football players and coaches have been arrested in the largest marijuana related arrest in the Northwest say state officials. The results of a two year investigation into the university’s athletic department connection with Columbian crack cartel lead authorities to a conduct a sweeping, ninja-like pre-dawn raid at over twenty local residences, including those of the head coach of the football program and student housing for the team. University officials released an official statement which simply read ‘Dude. Whoa… That was a total buzz-kill’ However, speaking on condition of anonymity (the source actually couldn’t remember their name), one source close to the story whose name rhymes with ‘Spike Mellottie’ stated that in fairness to the players and staff, they didn’t know that ‘pot’ was marijuana, nor did they know that it was actually illegal. For the record, the university offers a PHd (aka Pretty High Degree) in Hempology and offers courses titled; ‘What’s so Whacky About the Whacky Weed’, Sticking it to the Man, ‘Cannabis, The Man and ‘You; A life of MTV’, and ‘Honest Officer, That Ain’t My Bag! (I just found it)’ are some of the many courses students have to choose from.

Despite the enormity of the arrest and pending suspensions of the coaching staff and players involved, sports analyst are unanimous in predicting an Oregon rout over the visiting, and ever-struggling University of Arizona Wildcats who visit the Pot-Haven Mecca of Eugene this Saturday. Critics of the Wildcat program report that just this week Arizona actually lost a scrimmage against itself earlier and didn’t even realize that they had a game Saturday against the MaryJane Ducks. The Arizona coaching staff has requested that anyone in the greater Tucson area (illegally or legally) who would like to play quarterback please contact a university official. They indicated that both starting and back-up rolls are available. They prefer someone with at least Pop-Warner experience (any position) but will accept anyone that can sustain repeated hits to the head.

2004 Game video of Duck players attempting to ‘smoke’ the artificial turf at Autzzen stadium first alerted a staff security guard to what he believed then to be ‘a potential problem.’ In a characteristically secretive and deceptive move, the Whitehouse spokesman Tony Snow said he was ‘disappointed with the actions of those involved’ but said the President denied any direct responsibility. Critics of the Bush Administration cite this as just another glaring example of the failure of the No Child Left Behind bill. They also noted that most of the players arrested where African American, just like we saw with hurricane Katrina, and said this is just another reminder of how going into Iraq, which has nothing to do with Al Queda, was a mistake.

Polls show that this latest scandal will likely propel the Democrats to unprecedented election wins in 2008. Every electable, and non-electable city, state, federal position is expected to be won by Democrats. In fact, the election wins are projected to be such epic proportion that the Jr. Senator from Massachusetts, John F. Kerry will likely be anointed to lead the communist country of North Korea. Citing his 90 days (‘earning’ one medal every 11 days) experience in Viet Nam, the Jr. Senator said ‘It’s about $%$#% time I was legitimately picked to, you know, lead a nation.’

The Jr. Senator also reminded us that he was for giving North Korea nukes before he was against it and expects to be greeted as a liberator when he assumes power in 2008. At which time he intends to promptly surrender to his good friends the Chinese and redeploy all US forces from the Peninsula to New Orleans. The former VN war hero also stated that he loved the popular TV show Mash, but promises to vigorously investigate the tough-minded, but affable Colonel Potter for War Crimes whom he said did not have a plan for winning the Peace.